Better Sex Theories, Made Easy For Men

Perhaps perfection seems a bit inconceivable in this context, but if a man asks his woman what he can do to simply improve her sexual experience, she’ll probably be too polite to tell him. It’s lucky then, that I’m not. And whilst I’m probably not your girlfriend, it’s also lucky that most women suffer the same annoyances when it comes to sex. Little niggles that you’re blissfully unaware of; that if left untreated become big niggles and cause a lot of frustration; frustration that will affect you in the end – because sexual satisfaction relies on give and take. If her frustration gets too severe, she’ll stop caring about pleasing you. And by then it will be harder to get the spark back. Here are seven of the deadliest sex sins that really grate on us (yes, I do mean us - I’ve researched this carefully). The good news is, they’re easy to avoid. Come on boys, show some willingness!

1. A little build up please?

The first mistake men unknowingly make is their expectation of instant results when they decide to get it on. A woman can indeed have spontaneous bouts of horniness, where she’d be able to accommodate your cock at a moment’s notice; but the rest of the time, she needs a little chance to warm up to the idea. The male and female sexual response differs significantly. You’ll know this by the simple fact that you can get an erection at the mere suggestion of sex and by her pressing against you as she plants an expectant kiss. Women love this about you; if we’re already in the mood and want a quickie, then there’s nothing better than to see you instantly turned on and ready. We take it as a massive compliment. But for us, it can take a little longer to get in the right frame of mind. Clinical Sexologist and Sex Coach Judith Eldredge says that women generally require more foreplay than men. “Women tend to warm up more slowly and become aroused from the outside in. For many women, this starts with the relationship they have with their partner and includes things like how connected and safe they feel.” While steamy quickies can have thrilling results; women really get off on being made to feel like they’re your top priority. If you’ve done some forward planning and have set the seed in her mind with enough time for her to build some serious anticipation, you can expect her to respond much quicker by the time you get physical.

She’ll let you know when it’s a good time for spontaneity, right now she’s looking for her boulder hoist

“Women typically take longer to shift their focus to sex,” Eldredge continues, “so it can be really helpful for a woman to know in advance if she’s likely to be having sexual contact at a particular time. It can give her time and opportunity to take care of what she needs to, in order to be fully present. That might mean shaving her legs, so she’s not worried about stubble or taking the laundry basket out of the room so that she’s not distracted. Men tend to be better at focusing on one thing at a time, which means they don’t need to put so much effort into preparing or screening other things out.” In this respect, we wish we were more like you – during sex is one occasion when we’d rather not multi-task.



2. Rubbing us up the wrong way

With the internet at everyone’s fingertips, frankly there should be no man who can’t find his way around a woman’s body. G spot aside (because that’s a little more complicated and success depends on the woman involved) the clitoris is easy to locate. But knowing where to find it is only half the battle. It’s a common complaint from most of the women I speak to, that men are just too eager to give this precious part of our anatomy too much, too soon. If you go in for a kiss and the next thing we know, you have your hand in our knickers, rubbing away furiously like you’re trying to resuscitate it, things are going to go from bad to worse. Most women won’t have the heart to tell you that it’s incredibly irritating. The same applies to oral. Diving straight in and desperately lapping at her clit with your tongue before you’ve even warmed up the surrounding area, is like trying to paint a shiny wall without first using primer. You’ll be repeating the motions over and over with no effect and it’s going to frustrate you as much as it will her.

A discerning pussy prefers the gradual approach to affection

Judith Eldredge emphasises the importance of building your pace gradually. “As women generally prefer to be warmed up and first touched in places other than their breasts and genitals, non-erogenous zones are a good starting place; after which one might want to progress to non-genital erogenous zones before moving on to the hotspots.” Imagine three levels of contact. To begin with, kissing and touching her neck, shoulders, stomach and back will create those tingly sensations that she’ll want you to build upon. How long you spend on these areas is up to you, but make it at least five minutes. If you progress to her clitoris and she tries to move your hand away, it’s too soon. Take your lead from her and let her guide you to where she wants you.


3. Don’t make a tit of yourself

It’s common knowledge that breasts are an erogenous zone and lucky for us you love them so much, you’d happily play with them all day. Like two of your very own stress balls, our boobs are happy to be fondled, cupped, licked, squeezed, nibbled and sucked. But please, take a moment to consider how tender your testicles are. The anatomy is similar. Glands are delicate and granted – we have a layer of fat surrounding ours, but they still won’t tolerate you being too rough.

Get to know her breasts; don’t waste them

Firm and assertive is sexy, we love a man who takes control and doesn’t bubble wrap us in bed; but you must learn how hard your woman can take breast stimulation. Communication is key here. Surprisingly, a woman’s preference can be down to the size and shape of her breasts. Research shows that the larger and droopier they are, the less sensitive they can be. It’s thought this is because the nerves that transmit pleasure sensations from the nipples are stretched and compressed by the breast’s weight. Treat larger breasts accordingly but more importantly, treat each pair as unique. Surgically enhanced breasts can be more or less sensitive as a result, but you won’t know unless you ask her. With any size but especially large, try supporting them during sex with your hands, massage the nipples with your thumbs and use your mouth – there is nothing quite like the sensation of warm tongue and mouth caressing them. And just because you’re not getting a reaction, doesn’t mean you should bite or suck her nipples so hard they nearly come off! It fucking hurts.


4. Fools rush in!

Perhaps the cardinal sin of lovemaking; this frustrates women profusely and it’s all down to poor observance of our state of arousal. Trying to insert your penis into us when we’re dry is irritating beyond belief, not to mention painful. You probably don’t need me to tell you why it’s a bad thing, but it’s such a common mistake that I think a little anatomy lesson is in order. The wetness women produce is secreted through the vaginal walls when they become engorged with blood. It only happens when we’re turned on and ready for sex – it’s the equivalent of your erection. Can you imagine trying to stuff your flaccid penis into her? You wouldn’t even think about it, so please give women the same consideration. We’re only ready when you can slide in easily and perhaps most importantly, comfortably. You won’t know when she’s ready unless she takes the lead and guides you in, or you do a bit of detective work. Incorporate it carefully into foreplay, because it’s a bit of a mood killer if you treat her like your car engine and use your finger as a dip stick. If you make contact with her vagina and it’s not as moist as it needs to be, re-visit the tricks that you know turn her on. And remember sin number two: furiously rubbing her clit before she’s even wet, won’t get you anywhere fast. All that said, there are times when a woman can’t get wet quickly enough (or at all). There can be all sorts of reasons for this, which don’t necessarily mean that she’s not turned on. Again, communicate. If she wants you regardless and she says she’s ready – have some lube to hand.

5. Lip service

This little appreciated form of foreplay can get you into her pants quicker than anything you could do with your hands, but sadly, few men bother with words once the gloss of a new relationship has worn off. So many women feel like they go unnoticed by their men, and it doesn’t make them feel confident, let alone sexy. Saying the right thing at the right moment is crucial and could have her wetter than an otter’s pocket before you’ve even had time to take off her knickers. No-one likes a shy or boring lover, and whilst reciting a load of porn inspired filth isn’t going to impress her, a few subtle compliments when things are starting to progress will make her feel incredible. According to Dr. Mark Griffiths, a chartered psychologist and specialist in human sexual behaviour, it’s all about reciprocity. “Receiving compliments has a positive effect on sexual response, because it makes us more comfortable to be attracted to a person if we know they feel the same way.” If you aren’t the complimenting type, then do it for your own gain. I don’t know a woman who wouldn’t give a better blow job or ride you harder than ever, just because you made her feel good about herself. We women are a sensitive bunch and we like to know you’re appreciative of how we look, especially if we’ve made an effort.

 Show some appreciation! It’s only polite

Griffiths goes on to say, “How the compliment is received will depend on the context in which it’s given and whether the person giving it is someone the receiver actually finds attractive.” If your photo is tucked safely in her purse, you can probably rest assured on the latter; so all you need to do is find the right moment – the key to successful complimenting is timing and choosing your words wisely. If you spend all evening telling her she looks ‘beautiful’ just so you can get laid, it won’t come across as genuine or sincere. So be sparing and be specific. If it’s her pert arse, neatly bound by that impossibly tight pencil skirt that really does it for you, whisper it in her ear as you lean in for a kiss. Or perhaps her dark, smoky eyes are driving you wild. Tell her you want to stare into them while you sink into her later. Less is more, but just one observational comment like this will make an astounding difference to how she feels and performs; and the enjoyment you’ll have. Trust me.

6. Keep us guessing

There are only so many ways you can re-order the events that take place during sex and sure, it’s never going to be wildly different, but there’s no excuse for things getting dull. There are a hundred ways you can surprise her. Every so often, introduce some light bondage into the proceedings. Use some silk scarves to tie her wrists and ankles to the bed and blindfold her so she doesn’t know what’s coming. Sexual sensations when we’re deprived of sight, feel even more exquisite than usual.


Simple, cliched even; but so effective

Play with heat. Invest in some massage candles – they’re now an indisposable addition to my bedside drawer. They melt at a lower temperature than regular wax so they won’t scald when poured onto the skin. The heat is only just bordering on too much, it feels incredible. Also put the kettle on before sex. Not because you’re expecting it to be over so quickly you can make a brew after – but so you can keep a hot drink next to you and warm your mouth before you give her head. Take a sip and keep it in your mouth as long as you can stand, then part her legs and let her enjoy this blissful surge of warmth on her clitoris. Do this while she’s blindfolded so she can’t anticipate it and my God, she’ll thank you. And for the smartphone addict, a Kama Sutra app is a must. At a swipe of your screen, you can have a weird and wonderful position at your fingertips that you’ve never tried before, and even if it does end up being for contortionists only, you might just land halfway and stumble across something easier that blows you both away.

7. Let us down gently

There will always be a time when you’re just not in the mood. It happens to everyone and when it does, it can be irritating to have someone pestering you for sex. But before you casually brush her off and turn your back to her in bed, spare a thought for what this might do to the future of your sex life and relationship. No matter how infrequently you decide to reject your partner’s advances, if you do it badly and leave her cold, it will remain with her longer than you realise. Psychologist Dr. Mark Griffiths explains the effect it can have. “Constant sexual rejection will have a negative impact on a relationship and may lead to thoughts such as wondering if the other person is having an affair. Overall it will reduce the self-esteem and confidence of the person being rejected and may also facilitate affairs for them, as way of making themselves feel better.” I’m a believer in putting yourself out for your partner, because due to probability alone, there’s a two thirds chance that one of you would rather give it a miss; and if you’re going to keep the well oiled machine of your sex life running smoothly, you might have to give in occasionally. Unless you really are banging someone else, then causing the sort of problems that Griffiths suggests, is a large and rather problematic can of worms to open up.

Avoid this, at all costs.

All you really need to do is make a bit of effort or at the very least, handle the situation with a little more consideration. If you really can’t bring yourself to do it, explain why and be sweet about it – tell her you’re exhausted by work and that you’d rather have sex when you can give her your full effort and attention, because that’s what she deserves. Appease her by suggesting a cuddle in bed and promising you’ll make it up to her tomorrow. But believe me – dare to silently turn your back to her and you’ll have to make more effort apologising, than you would have if you’d just had sex with her in the first place.